Update 2

"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking."
Hagakure, The Way of the Samurai

Last night I managed to go 4, 3.5 and 3 hours between toilet trips, that's almost double what I achieved yesterday. I am pleased as punch as I feel a tiny bit more human today. Each trip to the toilet was still a surrender session of the convulsing, spasming pain but I am starting to understand what is going on and trying to communicate that back to my body through visualisation. I know I am making good progress.

I realised the aim of the game is to space out periods between bowel movements and for the past 17 odd years my guts have had the freedom to let loose through an end ileostomy. My theory was that as my small bowel has had the same time to adapt which should put me at an advantage over most j-pouchers, however the output is still more liquid than before - I put that down to the fact that the bowel has undergone trauma and is still in a recovery faze. I also understand that the length of bowel between the loop ileostomy and the pouch needs to recover its muscle tone, lost due to the 5 months period of inactivity between surgeries.

My muscles and brain need to re-calibrate and fine tune for all the new parameters which is why its such a confusing experience when going to the toilet. Most of the time when I sit on the loo I feel like my sphincters want to pass out the pouch - they need to get used to that new weight and tension, plus the mucosa needs to adapt to the new ranges of acidity coming through.

In addition to all this my bladder seems to be in a little shock of its own probably due to the local anatomical stress and confusion on me trying to control the muscles - I have pissed on the floor several times when one of the belly spasms has forced out a against my will. Also the healing incision of where my stoma was wants in on the act as it feels somehow still involved in the whole show of ejecting waste from my body.

Its all a bit of a puzzle that I know my subconscious will figure out and I hope by trying to have some rational conscious thought processes like writing this may help out in some way - if not, just supporting evidence in making me sound like a loon.

So I went 4 hours between bowel movements in the night! Almost a 200% improvement in 3 days! I am eating 4-5 small portions of bland food in the day up until my last snack - porridge and banana which the last mouth full passed my lips at 8:30pm last night. I am sipping, not glugging drinks down with the theory that swallowing large boluses of food or drink stimulate peristalsis. I am not wanting to stop my bowel, just slow it down. I am lacing all water with Aloe Vera juice which I feel is cleansing and encouraging healing at the surgical sites and quite possibly soothing the anal mucosa that is being acid burned on each toilet trip of terror.

I do not intend on using lomotil or any other type of laxative to slow things up however I am still taking pain relief in the form of opiates which may have a contributing factor on my success but the dosage has not increased since coming home, in fact it has decreased.

The acid burn does not seem present during the night and Shells advice about using Sudocream to protect my skin is doing the trick if I put it on before I stagger to the toilet. The last time I used that stuff was when my daughters were babies - my wife used to say I painted it on them like a pair of knickers! I just didn't want any risk of them getting sore, any discomfort that they experienced would break my heart and it is with this mindset that I go about taking meticulous care of my own rear's skin. So far no broken skin, just strained muscles and soreness. I am overcoming any soreness with Lidocaine (Benzocaine 3%) but only when absolutely necessary. I wipe with Pampers Aloe Vera baby wipes (i am getting through a pack a day!) and dab dry with the most expensive Andrex toilet paper I have ever seen - maybe I can send for a free puppy or something.

Rather than going backwards and forwards to the toilet every five minutes, when I go I stay there for 20-30 minutes. I have found it easier to expel wind if I place my hands flat on the ground and stand up from the seat. The air bubbles rise from my pouch and I sit down again to release them, occasionally I release the air with my ass in the air but this is a bit of an acrobatic trick as I need to do this on one hand whilst the other prevents any errant spray of liquid with a clutch of toilet paper. So far by doing this I have not experienced any wind pains. Hey, its better sticking my arse in the air than kneeling at the throne. The only thing is, the cost of this is that it puts pressure on my incision which hurts like hell too. One pain in exchange for another.

I am trying really hard to hold it together. I only cried once in the bath last night and that was when I admitted to my wife that I considered becoming a heroin addict to deal with all the pain - a surreal thing for me to say looking back but on virtually no sleep for a week and all the other stuff that I tolerated at hospital it kind of makes sense. I only need to look down and see my bag free belly to know its all going to be worth it. Today I expended a little energy to put a shirt and trousers on and wear them properly - not above my waist and shirt hanging out as I did to conceal my bag in the past but tucked in and with a proper waist line. I stood and stared at my new appearance in the mirror and felt comfortable physically and mentally - in my reflection, standing slightly taller than before, I could see myself at long last.

I know when I am calm, contented and relaxed I can feel my wounds begin to heal. When I am calm I am able to deal with the trip to the toilet better and seem to need to spend less time in there waiting for all the spasming to stop. Its important that there is no one outside the bathroom or even upstairs making noise. If I calm myself I can feel my body slow down which is exactly what I want it to do. Last night I did some deep breathing before I drifted off to sleep, instead of simply conking out like I have been doing for the past week. My first trip to the toilet at 12:30 after 4 hours sleep was also calm and over in 10 minutes. I think continual calmness is one of the key ingredients to get through this as painlessly as possible. I am going to start and finish the day tomorrow from this plateau rather than the spikey levels of stress and terror. Perhaps I can win this without fighting it.